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Blog post 12: Underthinking: The Most Underrated Skill
I’ve been thinking about overthinking lately. The irony is not lost on me.
If you’re anything like me, you overthink things.
Perhaps you overthink everything.
You sweat the small stuff and the big stuff.
The small stuff such as what you’ll make for dinner or which brand of cereal to buy for the kids. And big stuff such as your career or buying a car.
Overthinking is defined as thinking about something too much or for too long.
Thinking is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s overthinking that ironically gets us stuck.
Overthinking is analysing a situation, thinking about something over and over again.
Usually we overthink when we are thinking something negative - either that has happened or we are worried will happen.
If you’re thinking about something that’s already happened, you analyse the situation, the people involved, what they are thinking. You ruminate in your head about everything that happened, that shou’dve happened, that you wish happened.
Sometimes we overthink about what might happen in the future. We create all these stories and fantasies of all the bad things that could happen.
Our mind is overthinking and orchestrating something that hasn’t even happened yet (and likely won’t happen in the way you’re overthinking about it). Nothing has gone wrong! Yet our mind is racing.
Overthinking is so mentally draining and time consuming.
Your amazing mind can be put to MUCH better use.
I’ve realised that I overthink when I am feeling self-doubt - either about how I handled or will handle a situation, or about my abilities.
Overthinking for me is also intrinsically linked to perfectionism.
Just noticing and becoming aware of this connection has been very powerful for me.
Overthinking doesn’t serve me.
Thinking is great, but when it starts getting into ruminating, worrying and delaying decision making, then it becomes overthinking.
Boy have I done A LOT of overthinking in my life!
My neural pathways are very good at overthinking.
I realised that I needed to develop the skill of underthinking to strengthen that neural pathway.
The results I’ve had from developing the skill of underthinking has been a game changer.
Here are 4 strategies I have used that have helped me develop the skill of underthinking:
Accept I cannot change the past
Byron Katie says that “when you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time”.
We can’t change the past. What has happened has happened.
I can only change how I think about the past.
What I make it mean for me now, in this moment.
Going back into the past and overanalysing and overthinking about it is pointless. I can’t change any of it!
I can’t change what has already happened.
I think about what I can learn about the past situation and move forward.
2. Tap into your intuition
Underthinking isn't about ignoring important decisions or acting recklessly. It's about tapping into your intuition, that gut feeling that often holds profound insights.
One question I love to ask my brain when I am overthinking is “if I already knew the answer, what would it be?”
Intuition is your mind's way of processing information and experiences quickly, distilling them into a simple, instinctual response. By allowing yourself to underthink, you're actually giving your intuition a chance to guide you.
3. Make decisions efficiently and effectively
Overthinking leads to decision paralysis.
A decision is made in a moment. Overthinking about a decision is what takes time. It is also incredibly draining on your energy.
Gather the information you need and then make the decision AND have your own back that you made the best decision with the information you had in that moment.
4. Balance rationality with intuition
Underthinking doesn't mean ignoring rational thought. It's about finding a balance between rationality and intuition. It's recognising that often, the simplest solution is the best one.
There's a certain wisdom in simplicity that shouldn't be underestimated. Underthinking, when approached mindfully, can be a great skill that brings clarity, efficiency and a lightness in life.
Underthinking has also helped me be more creative in solving problems.
One question I love to ask myself when I’m doing something new or when I’m aware that I’m overthinking is this: “how can I make this fun and easy?”
Developing the skill of underthinking has surprisingly helped reduce my stress and anxiety as it stops me from dwelling on every possible outcome and hypothetical scenario. This has significantly lightened my mental load and I feel a much greater sense of peace and contentment with myself and my life.
So, the next time you find your mind is racing in endless analysis and overthinking, use one of these strategies to develop the skill of underthinking.
Your mind might just thank you for giving it a break from the constant running and for the clarity and peace it brings!
Love Loren x
Blog Post 11: 10 Simple Strategies To Achieve Your Goals This Year
This is what usually happens: We try to create a goal to achieve in our life, whether it be personal or professional.
We say it aloud or write it down on a piece of paper, and then realise we don't know exactly how we are going to achieve that goal, so we push it to one side and just ignore it.
But it often taps us on the shoulder and whispers in our ear “I'm still here. I know you want this. Why aren't you doing it?”
Your goals are your desires. When they form in your mind, I like to think of it as your future self showing you the beacon of where you need to get to next.
Most goals we create are so much more than just a goal to us. They are showing us what we truly want in our lives.
The more persistent it is, nudging you as you go about your day, the more likely it is to be something that, if you achieve, will take you to that next version of yourself.
Most people just push their true desires, their goals away and try to ignore them, using excuses like “it’s just too hard”, or “I’ll start when things aren’t so busy”.
More often than not a person doesn’t start on their goal because they don’t know the ‘exact’ steps that they need to take to achieve the goal.
They don’t know the ‘how’, so they give up before they really try to achieve it.
This is failing ahead of time.
In this blog, I’ll explore 10 strategies to help you take action on your goals even when you don't know all the steps to get there.
1. Define your goal clearly
While you might not know every detail about how to achieve your goal, having a clear understanding of what you want to accomplish is important. Break down your goal into specific and measurable components. I like creating a SMARTY goal. This stands for:
Specific: What exactly do you want to accomplish?
Measurable: How will you know when your goal is achieved? How will you measure success?
Achievable/Attainable: Your goal should be challenging but attainable.
Realistic: Make sure your goal can genuinely be accomplished.
Time-bound: By when will you have achieved this goal?
Most people stop here with the SMART goal formula, however I believe it is really important to have a compelling Why (Y), and keep this in mind when you are setting and working towards your goal.
Why (Y): Why do you want to achieve this goal? How will your life be positively impacted by achieving this goal?
Being able to tie your goals to a greater “Why” will help increase your chances of success, and keep you motivated as you are moving towards that goal. This clarity will serve as a guiding light, helping you focus your efforts even when the path ahead is uncertain.
2. Research and gather information
Research and gather information on the goal, and some strategies you can use to get there.
However, this strategy comes with a warning.
Do not do things for too long.
This strategy might feel like you are doing something, but it is only beneficial up to a certain point.
Researching and consuming information is taking Passive Action on your goal.
You want to be taking Massive Action towards your goal.
Here’s what it looks like in practice. For example, I want to create a website for my business:
Passive Action = researching the best website platform provider, comparing providers, watching videos, attending workshops, reading on forums.
This might seem like I am working towards my goal, but in truth I haven’t actually even started creating the website, which is the goal.
Massive Action = deciding on the website platform provider, paying the fee, creating my first Home page, publishing the website, letting my network know my website is live
3. Write down your goal and tell at least one person about it
Once you define your goal, write it down and tell at least one person about it.
When you do this, it is officially out there, in the world. You can no longer ignore it. It is no longer a thought or a wish in your head.
I find this helps keep me accountable, and helps me live into and lean into my goal.
It is happening. I am on the path.
It goes from “I have a dream to ___” to “I’m working on ___ goal.”
4. Create a ‘flexible’ list
Once you have done some initial research, it’s time to use your super thinking power.
Write down all of the things that you think you need to do to achieve your goal.
Remember, this list is flexible and WILL change, so don’t overthink it.
Because chances are when you’re actioning them ‘in the real world’, they will not turn out the way you had anticipated.
5. Break down your list into manageable steps
If your list feels overwhelming, break down each line item to tasks that are more manageable.
For example, if I have on my list “make a website”, this might feel overwhelming, so I break it down into smaller steps.
Find website host platform, learn how to use platform, create wording/copy for my home page, add the wording to the home page, find images to add to the homepage, upload images to that home page etc.
6. Start with the first step
Once you make your flexible list, so many people get hung up on ‘where’ to start.
The truth is, it doesn’t really matter where you start. It just matters that you start!
Review your list and think about which one might be the best one to start with, with the information you currently have.
Just focus on that first step, and then the next, and then the next.
Remember this: Action Creates Clarity.
Starting small also helps build momentum and confidence, gradually propelling you towards your larger goal.
7. Embrace the learning curve
Not knowing the ‘how’ is completely normal.
If you don’t know the ‘how’, nothing has gone wrong!
You are on the right track.
You are not supposed to know the ‘how’.
The truth is, if you haven’t achieved that goal yet you won’t ever know the ‘how’.
You’ll only know the ‘how’ once you get there.
So instead of letting the unknown discourage you, see it as part of the course. See it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Adopt a growth mindset, which is believing that your abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and learning. This mindset allows you to see your journey towards the goal as being an opportunity to learn and grow.
Obstacles = Opportunities
Each step you take, even your perceived ‘failures’, brings you closer to your goal, and imparts valuable insights.
Remember, failing is giving up on your goal. Everything else is just gathering information.
8. Seek guidance and mentorship
Connect with people who have experience in your field or have achieved similar goals. Their insights and advice can provide valuable shortcuts, helping you avoid common pitfalls and navigate challenges more effectively.
However, like with the research and gathering information strategy, do not stay on this step for too long, or take a person’s word as gospel. There are many ways to achieve a goal, and what worked for one person may not work for another.
9. Think like your future self - the person that has achieved the goal already
Ask yourself, what would you be thinking if you had already achieved the goal?
What would you be doing?
How would you be feeling?
What would you be thinking?
How would you be showing up in the world?
If you can become the person you are striving to be, and work towards your goal from that mindset, you will achieve it.
You could even try asking yourself this powerful question: Think about your future self as having already achieved the goal and get him/her to tell your present self how you did it.
Or think about a person you admire, and imagine that they have achieved that goal. Try and imagine what they would say about how they achieved that goal and the steps that they took to achieve it.
Your own creativity in answering this question will astound you.
10. Remember that Imperfection is Perfection
Do not strive for perfection as you work on your goal.
Taking Massive Action, even if it’s not ‘perfect’ (according to whose standards anyway?), is much better than waiting for the perfect moment or plan.
Why? Because there is NO such thing as perfection.
Success is built upon a pile of failures.
Ultimately, we will never truly know the ‘how’ until we get there. Until we achieve the goal.
If you use these strategies, you can navigate the unknown and uncertainty with confidence.
Success happens when you’re willing to learn, adapt and take Massive Action even when the path isn’t clear.
What you might find is this: Achieving the goal never ends up being about the goal itself. The actual achievement of the goal is just a moment in time.
The ‘goal’ of a goal is to show you what you are capable of.
It is about the person you become on the way to achieving the goal.
It really is the journey rather than the destination.
Love Loren x
Blog Post 10: A missed step, a tennis racquet and a broken foot…
So this happened…
On Thursday morning, as we were rushing out the door to drop off the kids at daycare, I missed a step on our stairs and landed/slid on the side of a tennis racquet that my son had been playing with and left lying on the floor. My foot rolled completely inwards and I heard a crack.
I immediately knew I had broken it 🤦🏻♀️
I can’t walk on it. I’m not allowed to put any weight on it whatsoever.
I’m in a cast and crutches.
It’s hard enough to get myself a glass of water or go to the bathroom, let alone look after my almost 2 year old son (whose a runner) and 4 year old daughter!
It is also my right foot so I can’t drive.
Whilst I can’t lie, I was VERY annoyed, frustrated and helpless on the day that it happened, I’ve been trying to see the positives about it.
There’s nothing I can do about it. I have a broken foot. That’s a fact.
It’s what I make it mean, and what I think about it that’s going to determine how I feel about it and how I show up in the world.
Having a broken foot is beyond my control now but I have a choice.
I can choose to be annoyed, frustrated and mad about it, and make having a broken foot mean that I can’t do anything.
I can choose to continue complaining about it, wallow in my own self-pity, watch Netflix instead of work and reinforce my thought that I can’t do anything (by not doing anything)!
OR
I can choose to think about the fact that I have a broken foot in a way that serves me, that allows me to move forward in my life.
As I was thinking this through, an amazing question popped into my head.
How did this happen FOR me?
My brain immediately offered up many thoughts.
First, I’ve always used exercise as a way to calm my mind and help with anxiety.
For the next few weeks I can’t physically do any exercise BUT I’ve always wanted to learn how to meditate.
However, with the busy-ness of our lives and limited time I have in a day I’ve always prioritised exercise over meditation.
So now I’m going to use this time to discover meditation.
I’ve also always wanted to try out some food delivery services that have ready-made meals, but I’ve never gotten around to researching, organising and trying them.
I could not think of a more perfect time to start.
Just reflecting on how I can think differently about my broken foot has really helped me get out of a negative headspace, and think thoughts and take actions that serve me, rather than indulging in feelings like frustration and helplessness.
My foot is broken but my mind isn’t!
I hope this helps anyone that might be in a negative headspace cultivate thoughts that can better serve you in moving forward.
And if anyone knows of some good ready-made meal delivery services or meditation apps that I should try, let me know!
Love Loren x
Blog Post 9: The Top 5 Career Change Fears and How To Handle Them
Can you guess what the top reason is for people not changing careers?
You probably can.
It’s the same reason that most people don’t make changes in their lives.
It’s because they are afraid.
Afraid of the unknown, afraid of failure, afraid of what other people think.
We are so afraid that we stop ourselves from making a change, even when we are unhappy or feel unsatisfied with our current situation.
We have one life (that we know of for certain) and we waste it.
We do work that we are not passionate about, we let life happen to us rather than create the life and experience that we truly want.
Today I want to talk about the top 5 career change fears I see and provide some strategies and tools for how to handle them.
Fear of Failure
Most people are afraid of failing. But what does ‘failing’ actually mean?
Failure is defined as “the omission of an expected or required action.”
If you think about that definition, failure just means we didn’t meet our expectations. This shouldn’t be such a big deal, something just didn’t turn out the way we expected. But we then avoid doing that thing because we are scared of our own reaction to failing, even though we have complete control over how we react to that perceived ‘failure’.
We can choose what we make it mean. We can make it mean that we are a terrible person, or we can choose to make it mean something that better serves us. That we learnt something new. That a particular strategy didn’t work. That we are one step closer to figuring out something.
People are so afraid that they will ‘fail’ at something that they don’t end up doing that thing. But them not doing that thing means they definitely fail at it. They are just failing ahead of time.
When it comes to making a career change, people are so afraid of failing, and when I ask them what would be considered ‘failing’, they don’t even know.
The fear of failure is paralysing. It makes people stay stuck in jobs they hate and prevents them from exploring what they could truly love.
“Fear of failure kills more dreams than failure ever will” - Suzy Kassem
To help my clients with their fear of failure, I do the following exercise with my clients.
I have my clients think about and write down all of the worst case scenarios that they can think of. Then, alongside each scenario, I get them to write down what they can do to minimise the likelihood of that thing happening, and what actions they could take to mitigate that risk. Then I get them to rate from 1-5 the likelihood of that thing happening.
This exercise helps them put their fear of failure into perspective and realise that the worst case outcomes are either unlikely or completely manageable.
2. Fear of what others think
Often it’s not only a fear of failing, but also a fear of what others think, and their opinions of you making a career change that will hold you back.
There is no upside to fearing what others think of you because no matter what you do, people will think however they want to think about you.
To overcome your fear of what others think, it’s important to ask yourself the following:
Why are you thinking of changing careers? Remember your why.
What do you really want?
What do you want to be remembered for?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being judged?
Remember that you are the one living your life, no one else is. Care what you think about your career change. Yours is the only opinion that matters!
3. Fear of it being ‘too late’ or you being ‘too old’
Changing careers after a certain age (or at any age) may seem ‘scary’, but it is important to know that the average age of someone changing careers is 39, and a study by American Institute for Economic Research found that the majority of older career changers are able to successfully navigate their career change.
When a client comes to me with this fear, we work together to reframe their fear by thinking about how much life knowledge and experience they have already, and how they are able to bring so many amazing qualities, attributes and skills from previous life experiences into a new career.
4. Fear of ‘wasting’ experience or education
I always say that nothing you have done is ever a waste.
Your training and experiences create a rich tapestry that make you unique. Only you have that specific blend of talents, strengths and skills.
People often fear that as a career changer you’ll need to start from the bottom, however if you do a proper inventory of your strengths and skills and identify those transferable skills you already have, you’ll be able to leverage what you have in your career change.
Everything you’ve done until now has prepared you for what is coming next.
5. Fear of uncertainty
This is an interesting one, because no one really knows with absolute certainty what tomorrow will bring, or even what will happen in an hour! However, for some reason the fear of the unknown is what keeps so many people stuck in careers they don’t enjoy and doing work that doesn’t fulfil them.
I definitely felt uncertain when I was considering becoming an entrepreneur. I had never started my own business before, however instead of letting my fear of the unknown stop me from doing something I really wanted to do, instead I embraced that uncertainty and saw it as a learning opportunity. Of course I don’t know everything about business, but I am learning something new every single day, and I’m growing and developing, not only professionally but also personally.
I’ve felt all of these fears at some point in my career changes, and so too have my clients.
Through my own journey and coaching many of my clients, I’ve learnt that every single person on this planet has at least some (if not all) of these fears. It is totally normal. It is the human experience.
I’ve found that normalising fear instead of trying to run away from it has helped me so much in going for what I really want in life. Accept that fear is part of growing. If you aren’t feeling any fear you’re stagnant, you’re not growing, you’re not evolving into the next version of yourself.
I know fear will always be there, coming along for the ride. So this is what you must do:
Notice the fear is there
Acknowledge and accept it’s there
Let it come along for the ride WHILE doing the thing you’re afraid of doing
Remember that fear is just an emotion. Nothing has actually gone wrong!
Don’t let fear stop you from living your life and achieving what you truly desire.
Love Loren
Blog Post 8: Want to change careers? Here’s how to start.
The first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone in wanting to change careers!
A recent study found that up to 70% of the workforce are looking for a change in career, and 30% of the workforce change jobs every 12 months!
Change is the only constant in life, and that includes our career paths.
Many of us find ourselves at crossroads, yearning for a change in our professional lives but feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of where to begin.
Whether you’re stuck in a job that no longer brings you joy or you’re seeking a more fulfilling career that aligns with your passions, values and family needs, embarking on a career change can be both exciting and daunting.
In this blog post, I will explore the common struggles of wanting to change careers without knowing where to start and provide practical steps to help you find your path to a more fulfilling career and future.
1. Self-Reflection
Before diving headfirst into a new career direction, you MUST take the time for introspection.
Going straight to search the job boards in the hope that you will magically discover your dream role does not work. It will likely just overwhelm you and leave you even more confused about what you want to do next.
It is so important to look at yourself and your life holistically, and take stock of where you’ve been, the skills you’ve developed, as well as where and who you are now.
You need to reflect on your interests, values and strengths. Consider your passions and hobbies outside of work, as they might hold clues to potential new career paths.
Ask yourself what truly makes you happy and fulfilled in a work environment. I always encourage my clients to assess what their desires and deal breakers are for their next role.
2. Skill Assessment and Development
It is essential to assess your existing skills, understand what your transferable skills are and importantly, know what your motivational skills are (which are skills that you are good at AND that you enjoy doing).
While the idea of starting from scratch in a new career can be daunting, remember that you have developed valuable transferable skills throughout your life already. Effective communication, leadership, problem-solving, and time management are just a few examples of skills that are applicable across various industries.
It is essential that you know what your transferable skills are, and be able to articulate clearly how you can leverage those skills in a new field.
It is also important to identify any gaps between your current skills and the possible requirements for your desired career change. And if there are skill gaps, don’t worry! There are so many courses, certifications and workshops out there to help develop many skills.
Upskilling not only enhances your marketability but also boosts your confidence during a career transition.
Also, two of the top desired skills that an employer looks for are adaptability and learning. The reason being that you can teach someone about an industry. You can teach someone how to perform a certain work function. But you cannot teach passion and motivation.
Your passion and motivation is everything.
Everything else can be taught. Remember that.
3. Idea Generation, Research and Exploration
Once you have a clearer understanding of your interests, values, strengths and skills, begin researching various industries and job roles that align with them. But don’t just research using Google. You also need to get out there, in the ‘real world’ to truly understand what work in that industry or role might look like in reality.
This is where I work with my clients to design what I call Career Experiments where they can test out a potential career path in the real world.
One example of a Career Experiment that I design with my clients is to have several informational interviews, and together we strategize on who would be the best people to have these with, and how to arrange them.
Informational interviews are essentially meaningful conversation with someone in an area that you might be interested in working in.
I usually have my clients arrange and attend several of these conversations to gain a deeper understanding of the career path that they might be interested in and gain valuable advice from those who have already navigated a career, or even a career change, in a similar field.
They also provide an amazing way to network and often allow my clients to discover further opportunities and possibilities that they hadn’t previously thought of.
4. Hire a Career Coach
A Career Coach can help you identify the right career path for you, and then work with you to create a targeted job search strategy and action plan to help you land your dream role. A good Career Coach can also help you with all of your self-marketing materials such as your Resume, Cover Letter and professional social media profile (eg. LinkedIn) so that you can put your best foot forward and stand out among the crowd of candidates.
5. Mindset it EVERYTHING
Changing careers is rarely an overnight process. It requires my 3 P’s - Patience, Persistence and Positivity.
I always work on mindset with my clients because having self-confidence and being open-minded are two essential attributes to have when exploring a potential career change.
So many Mums I see struggle with self-confidence. This is compounded by the fact that many have stepped away from the paid workforce, at least for a few months, while their children are young, and when they return to the workforce, the landscape has changed dramatically, and so have they and their priorities.
Ultimately, the desire to change careers is a courageous step towards personal and professional growth. With determination and an open mind, you can navigate the uncertainties and uncover a fulfilling and rewarding career that lights up your future. Embrace the change, and you'll be one step closer to the career you've always dreamed of!
Blog Post 7: What’s Your New Identity?
In my last blog post I shared the first step on how to reinvent yourself. Check it out below in case you missed it.
The next step in figuring out your ‘Me identity’, after accepting and acknowledging that it’s just a baby, and that it’s OK to not have it all figured out yet, is to take stock of where you are in this moment.
Not who you were, but who you are now.
Ask yourself these questions and really take the time to answer them.
What are the values driving you now?
I don't believe that our values never change. I believe that they change and evolve as we evolve.
Also, even if our values remain somewhat the same or similar over time, the priority of those values change depending on the phase of life that you’re in.
For example, a value you may have always had is family, however when you become a Mum, perhaps the priority of that value moves up on your list of core values.
As your values change and priorities shift, so too do your career motivators (which are the things you need to feel satisfied and happy in your career).
What was super important to you in a career before kids might look very different after kids.
For example, a career motivator that I had after university and before kids was adventure, which propelled me to live in New York for 2 years.
2. What are your skills?
And here’s the catch - what are the skills that you ENJOY using?
This was not such an easy question for me to answer, because for so long I was doing things, developing skills, that I became really good at, and if I really took stock and reflected on them, those were things I did not enjoy doing. Skills I did not enjoy using.
I worked in the law. I was good at working in the law, but I never loved working in it.
I was great at matter management, but that was not an enjoyable task for me, even if I was ‘the best’ at it.
Drafting and reviewing contracts. Some people love it. I didn’t.
The attention to detail required also added fuel to the fire on my already heightened perfectionistic tendencies.
Again, I was good at it, but I didn't enjoy it.
I find for MANY of my clients that identify as being a perfectionist, high-achiever or people pleaser, they can do a lot of things. They have developed a lot of skills over the years. But many of those skills they don’t really enjoy using or doing.
3. What are your evolving passions and interests?
I vividly remember when someone asked me what my hobbies were a few years ago. I laughed at them, thinking they may have been joking. They weren’t.
“Hobbies? Interests? Um… does researching things that’ll help a baby with reflux count? Does finding recipes for my toddler to enjoy count?”
I had no idea what my passions and interests were. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I even had my own passions and interests.
4. What is stopping or preventing you from figuring out what you really want?
If you’re anything like me, my thoughts around what I could do next was based on what I had done in the past. Or what I ‘should’ do.
It was very limiting.
I wasn’t allowing myself to explore possibilities because I thought that there weren’t many for me.
This was one of my limiting beliefs.
“I’m a lawyer, I can’t do anything else. I’m not qualified to do anything else.”
“I studied law for 5 years, it would be such a waste of my time to leave the law behind and do something else.”
I saw entrepreneurs and thought to myself, “I don’t know as much as them. I could never put myself ‘out there’ and do what they are doing.”
These sneaky thoughts prevented me from exploring what I truly wanted to do, to be, to contribute to this world.
It was only after I became aware of these limiting beliefs, that I was able to reframe those thoughts and create new thoughts and beliefs that served me. That helped me move towards that next version of myself. That helped me create the career and life I truly wanted.
Only after I explored these concepts and answered these questions with the help of my coach, I was able to take that next step in discovering what would be next for me in my career, and my life.
I created a process and framework that I used first on myself, and since then have used it on many other Mums, to discover what’s next for them.
So what’s next for you?
What is your New Identity?
If you don’t know yet, that’s OK!
Let’s discover yours together.
Love Loren x
Blog Post 6: My New Identity
Before I had kids, I never really felt ‘lost’ in my career.
I was on a career trajectory that was pretty much laid out for me.
I was on a set path, or at least on the same road with a few connecting paths. I could work in a law firm as a lawyer, I could work within a company as a lawyer.
My career trajectory ‘made sense’.
Also, I had always wanted children.
Even more so because I never thought I could have them.
Sometimes I would imagine my dad sitting at a dinner table with mine and my sister’s kids running around, and I would always tear up, not knowing if I would ever be able to have children of my own.
I had a medical condition that meant I never ovulated.
So, as many doctors would tell me, “if you’re not ovulating you’re not going to be able to have children.”
This in itself caused me so much pain and heartache, which was compounded by me blaming myself. For somehow it being my fault that my body didn’t produce enough of a hormone to stimulate my ovaries to ovulate each month.
It’s so crazy what we do to ourselves. How mean we are towards ourselves. How much we blame ourselves for things that are beyond our control.
I will share more about my struggle with infertility in another post, because this post is about shifting and creating our identities.
As many of you can guess, with nothing short of a miracle (at least to me) I was able to have children of my own.
I had my miracle baby girl Chloe, and after my maternity leave I returned to work as Legal Counsel at a global company.
I started feeling that desire to make a change, and I started feeling quite lost.
This surprised me.
I enjoyed my work as Legal Counsel, had a great team and worked for a great company, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I was going to spend time away from my baby girl, I wanted to do something meaningful, something that gave me purpose, something that aligned with my values.
So I moved into the not-for-profit space, at an organisation that helps people struggling with infertility. A cause that of course was, and still is, very close to my heart.
I rose up the ranks and became CEO.
After I had my baby boy I went back to work when he was 8 weeks old.
I had everything I had always wanted.
But it was NOT at all how I imagined it would be.
My baby boy Zac had chronic GERD (reflux), and he screamed non-stop for months.
Work was also not going well.
I left as CEO when my baby was 6 months old.
I couldn’t believe it. I felt so lost again.
I had always thought that as soon as I had children I wouldn’t ever again feel that feeling of desiring something else in my life, wanting to do something that gave me purpose or contributed to the world in some way.
I had thought that having kids would be the missing piece of the puzzle, but now, with the identity of ‘Mum’, I realised that there was another piece of me that I had to rediscover, the ‘Me’ identity.
Who I was now, what I truly wanted, what I could contribute to the world.
How could I discover this?
I was on a mission to figure it out.
And my mission to discover it for myself took on another form as I started speaking with so many other Mums that felt the same way as me.
I wanted, needed, to create something to help myself and other Mums with this shift in identity, with this reinvention of themselves.
Our identity shifts when we become Mums.
If you think about it, our identity before we have kids has been our identity for years.
For me it was 30 years of my life.
After I had my first child, my identity changed, it had to change, to make space for the identity of being a Mum.
As a Mum I believe we have our ‘Mum’ identity and our ‘Me’ identity.
‘Mum’ identity + ‘Me’ identity = our New Identity
But our New Identity is as old as our eldest child.
At that time, my New Identity was 2 years old. My New Identity was just a toddler.
The first step for me in discovering my ‘Me’ identity was understanding this and having compassion for myself.
Of course I still would be trying to ‘figure it out’.
My New Identity was only 2 years old.
As I was figuring out motherhood, my ‘Mum’ identity, I was also figuring out my ‘Me’ identity.
And that’s OK.
In fact, it’s better than OK. It’s beautiful.
We as humans evolve over time. We have to evolve overtime in order to grow.
What would be the point of life if we weren’t evolving, learning, growing?
Really allowing myself to be in the space of “I’m figuring it out” and “it’s OK not to know yet” gave me a huge sense of relief and peace within myself.
For someone that has perfectionistic tendencies I previously had always felt that I had to know everything right now and needed to know the exact steps to take to get to the exact goal.
Shifting this and giving myself the space and grace to be where I was and accept that it's OK to not to know yet, was perhaps the most powerful thing I could do for myself.
If I had tried to reinvent myself and discover my ‘Me’ identity from the desperate energy of “I need to know right now” and criticising myself for not having everything figured out, telling myself I’m such a mess, I would be trying to reinvent myself from a place of lack, criticism, perfectionism, hurried hustle energy, which would undoubtedly not allow me to reinvent myself to be the next best version of myself.
If I had tried to reinvent myself from that negative place, I would inevitably bring to my work and to my home life anxiety, stress and overwhelm.
So if I can offer one piece of advice to any Mum (or person) that is in a new phase of life and has a new young ‘Me’ Identity, please know that it is completely normal to feel a little lost, and to not have everything all figured out yet.
Your New Identity is still a baby.
Look after it and treat it with love.
Allow yourself to not know yet what you want to do next.
Allow yourself to not have it all figured out.
Give yourself permission to figure it out in your own time.
And trust that if you give your present self that acceptance, acknowledgement and compassion, you’ll be able to create your new ‘Me’ identity from a place that will serve you.
You will be able to reinvent yourself and your career, and the results you’ll be able to get will far outweigh the results you would get if you don’t give yourself that gift.
Love Loren x
Blog Post 5: Your Weaknesses Are Magic. Here’s Why.
“Did I read that heading correctly?” Most mothers (and humans) would be asking themselves…
Our weaknesses are things that we are trying to get rid of right?
I was having a conversation with one of my friends last week about how her daughter is very sensitive and many things worry her that don’t seem to bother other kids.
My friend was concerned that her daughter wasn’t ‘fitting in’ at preschool and that now my friend has to rethink the school they have enrolled her daughter in for next year because it might not be the right fit for her.
As we continued talking about her child, the conversation shifted to how caring, compassionate and intuitive her daughter is. Her daughter is so gentle with her younger sister, asks deeply insightful and thoughtful questions and talks so kindly to people around her.
We then gushed at how incredibly beautiful my friend’s daughter’s ‘sensitive soul’ is.
As I reflected on our conversation that afternoon, I realised something very special about us humans, and our perceived weaknesses.
Our weaknesses are actually our strengths, just overused.
For my friend’s daughter, it was her sensitivity. On the one hand it made it difficult to interact with her peers at a large preschool but then on the other hand it made her an incredibly thoughtful and intuitive child.
If someone were to ask me what my weaknesses were, I would say my top two are probably perfectionism and my need to control everything.
Since realising my perfectionistic tendencies were detrimental to me, I have been trying to push them away, and have been quite critical of myself for being a perfectionist. Saying things like “I’m a recovering perfectionist” and immediately wanting to change it.
But if I just take a step back and look at my life, my striving for ‘perfection’ has, in some ways, served me well.
I’ve been able to achieve so much. I’m always on the quest to improve myself, reach that next and best version of myself.
I think the tipping point for me however, where it turns into a weakness, is at that point where I am trying to be THE best vs trying to do MY best.
Even though that shift in language is subtle, it’s very powerful.
So for me, perhaps my perfectionistic tendencies serve me in some ways AND I can tweak it slightly so that it works for me, and not against me.
I can aim to do MY best, rather than have the goal of being THE best.
Now, looking at my other perceived weakness: my need to control everything.
Even the way I say that sounds negative. Of course I would see that as a weakness.
But again, if I take a step back and ask myself: how has my need to be in control served me? How has it been good for me? I can find so many reasons.
Wanting to be in control has meant that I plan ahead, I’m incredibly organised, and this has served me incredibly well in my career and running a household with two young kids.
Yes, like all Mums I have a mental load, but I also have really great systems in place to ensure that it doesn’t overwhelm me, that I still get everything done that needs to be done.
The tipping point for me, where this becomes a weakness, is where I try to control things that are out of my control.
It becomes a weakness because if I can’t control something I create so much anxiety and stress within myself, wasting so much time and mental energy worrying and trying to control the uncontrollable.
Reflecting on the things I can’t control, I came up with these: I can’t control other people’s actions, I can’t control what other people think, I can’t control what has happened in the past, or how I react to it in the moment.
When I started looking at my weaknesses, not as terrible flaws, but as qualities in me that are just overused strengths, I felt this sense of peace and compassion for myself.
I had been trying to run away from my weaknesses for so long.
I had tried to push them down, criticise myself for having them, think of strategies to change them, and then be mad at myself for not changing them quickly enough, which then compounded my own self-resentment.
If I just thought of them differently, took a step back and asked myself how those perceived weaknesses have served me, I realised that I could have so much more compassion for myself, for those weaknesses, and then use the knowledge I have gleaned from really reflecting on those perceived weaknesses to see where I can tweak them so that they continue to serve me in a positive way.
This has truly been one of the most powerful, enlightening and empowering things that I have done in a while.
So let’s turn these insights into actions for you.
If you believe you have one or a few qualities in yourself that you perceive as weaknesses, I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:
What would you say is one of your perceived weaknesses?
Do you know why that weakness may be present?
How does that weakness serve you?
Where is that tipping point where that weakness does not serve you?
Write down how you can identify when you’re close to that tipping point, and some thoughts about how you can steer yourself towards the place where it still serves you.
I hope that understanding that your perceived weaknesses are actually your strengths, just slightly overused, helps you.
Reflecting on your perceived weaknesses with compassion rather than criticism can help you see the bigger picture of why that perceived weakness may be present, how it serves you and how you can tweak it so that it can continue serving you.
Lots of love
Loren x
Blog Post 4: How To Stop Thinking Anxious Thoughts
Where does your mind go when you let it run wild?
For me (or at least the old me) it went to negative, anxious thoughts.
When I was studying to get a certification to become a qualified Coach, I started doing a lot of coaching, and self-coaching, and began thinking about what I thought about, and how I thought about it.
I was surprised to realise (although, probably not that surprised), that I often had negative, or at least anxious thoughts about most things.
Can anyone else relate?
When my daughter Chloe started telling me her thoughts about innocuous things, but often with a hint of concern or anxiety, I started delving deeper into why my mind seemed to gravitate towards anxious thoughts, and what I could do to try to get out of that pattern.
For me, and for my daughter Chloe.
“The best use of our imagination is creativity. The worst use of our imagination is anxiety.”
That is a quote by Deepak Chopra.
Taking it one step further, I believe we actually have two modes of thinking. Either we think in ‘anxiety-mode’ or in ‘creativity-mode’.
We can’t think in both modes simultaneously.
If you’re anything like me, I was pretty much NAILING anxiety-mode thinking 99% of the time.
So when I discovered this concept I started working on a few strategies and hacks to get me out of anxiety-mode and into creativity-mode of thinking.
Before I jump into the hacks to help you when your mind is veering off the garden path, I want to explain why it is so important for us to step out of anxiety-mode and into creativity-mode thinking.
When you’re in anxiety-mode, you are not producing anything. You are worrying.
You are living either in the past worries of something that you have perceived has gone wrong, or you are living in the future, worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet (and most likely will NOT happen).
Anxiety-mode thinking is a waste of time.
It is very sneaky because it may seem productive, but if it’s not producing any results, it is not productive. It is a form of procrastination.
“Anxiety is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do and gets you nowhere.”
Anxiety-mode thinking almost feels indulgent.
“I’ll just sit in here, in my warm comfy rocking chair and marinade in my own indulgent thoughts.” (That is anxiety talking, by the way.)
Creativity-mode thinking on the other hand is moving forward, taking action, creating something new, not stewing in worry and negative thoughts that don’t serve you.
I have developed a few strategies over time to help my mind (that LOVES some anxiety-mode thinking indulgence) to switch back to creativity-mode of thinking.
The BEST thing to do whenever you’re in anxiety-mode is to ask your brain some questions.
Your brain cannot help but try to figure out the answers for you. That’s what brains love to do. Find answers.
BUT, for this strategy to work for you rather than against you, you have to ask your brain GREAT questions, powerful questions.
Questions that spark some life in you, that get your creative juices flowing.
Questions that help unlock the infinite and knowing wisdom that is inside of you.
Do NOT ask your brain questions that are negative, lazy, self-deprecating, that are like a metaphorical full-stop.
Do NOT ask your brain questions such as, “Why am I so tired?” “Why is life so hard?”
Because your brain WILL come up with answers, and crap ones at that. Certainly not ones that help you long-term (or even short-term).
So here are some of the strong, powerful questions that I ask my brain when I am in anxiety-mode thinking to move me into creativity-mode thinking:
What would it look like if it were easy?
When I start feeling unsure about the next step to take in my business, and the words “I don’t know” start to rear their ugly head, I ask myself “What would _____ look like if it were easy?”
Tim Ferriss taught me this one, and asking myself this always helps me switch from anxiety-mode thinking to creativity-mode thinking as it helps me to stop overthinking and overanalysing.
2. What is the solution (NOT ‘what is the problem’)?
When I am in anxiety-mode thinking, it is often because I am thinking of the problem and not the solution. Perhaps I’m talking about the problem over and over again to friends or family members, and it’s just recycling negative thoughts and what’s happened in the past or what I’m worrying may happen in the future.
When I catch myself doing this, I realise I’m spending time mulling over the problem instead of thinking about the solution.
Anxiety-mode is problem-focused. Creativity-mode is solution-focused.
Being solution-focused gets you into problem-solving mode and out of problem-stewing mode.
3. What would I do next if I secretly knew the answer?
I often find myself doing the good ol’ ‘compare and despair’ when I am in anxiety-mode thinking.
I start thinking of what others are doing, how much further along they must be, looking at their ‘air-brushed’ life and then comparing it to my own reality.
When this happens I’m often going down the comparison rabbit-hole, and let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing good down that rabbit-hole.
So one question I ask my brain to help me switch into creativity-mode thinking is “what would I do next if I secretly knew the answer?”
Perhaps the word “secretly” excites me, but all of a sudden a world of possibilities opens up. “I do know the answer! The answer is…”
So in summary:
You are either in anxiety-mode thinking or creativity-mode thinking at any one time.
To get out of anxiety-mode thinking, ask yourself some powerful questions like the ones I suggested above.
I hope this helps you think less anxious thoughts and start thinking more expansive, creative thoughts.
Because believe me, creativity-mode thinking is THE place to be!
Love Loren x
Blog Post 3: Doing Nothing IS Doing Something 🤯
I recently had an epiphany.
As my husband and I finished dinner and started watching Succession, I pottered around the kitchen cleaning up the dishes, preparing the kids bags for the next day, sorting through the mound of stuff that invariably was piled high on the marble kitchen bench.
While my husband sat there.
Nothing against him, but as I reflected on it the next day, I realised something. He was able to just ‘relax’. Do nothing. Sit and not worry about all the ‘stuff’ that needed to be done around the house.
Did those things need to be done right away?
Perhaps aside from putting my dish in the dishwasher, which would’ve taken all of 20 seconds, I could’ve just sat and enjoyed the show. I could've just let my body relax a little. But no, I had to continue going. The energiser bunny. That has no energy.
I had always grouped self-care, well-being and relaxation all into one, especially after becoming a mother and having what seemed to be an infinite amount of things to do in a finite amount of time.
So naturally, I put exercise into that category. If I exercised at some point during the day, my ‘self-care + well-being + relaxation’ quota had been satisfied for that day.
But exercise isn’t proper relaxation time.
Relaxation is defined as “the state of being free from tension and anxiety”. Certainly lifting weights and putting strain on your muscles is not being ‘free’ from tension.
Exercising therefore, although it is definitely good for our health and well-being, should not be included as ‘relaxation’ time.
I had been speaking with my coach about how I always need to be doing something, I can't just sit like my husband can. And I’m not sure it’s related to the whole ‘man vs woman’ household work division disparity. I actually think it might be more related to my own inability to just stop, sit and relax.
I rarely, if ever, just sit. Maybe I'm not a ‘sitting’ person?
If I am to ‘sit’, I feel like I always need to have another vice to ‘justify’ my sitting. Whether it be eating, watching TV, reading. I always seem to have to consume something whilst sitting. Or else I can’t justify sitting down and ‘doing nothing’ in my mind.
My coach then said something so simple and so profound. She said, “you know, doing ‘nothing’ is still doing ‘something’”.
Mind blown.
The act of doing nothing is in fact, doing something.
It’s allowing our mind and our body to truly relax, re-energise, consolidate and internalise all of the inputs and data that we have accumulated throughout the day. It allows us to recharge our depleted battery internally, rather than using external vices to recharge it.
Using external vices to do this doesn’t ultimately serve us, because it means that we constantly need something external to ourselves to recharge our battery, rather than being able to generate that ‘charge’ from within.
Using external vices to recharge our battery - like food, alcohol, TV, social media - anything that we consume, is like putting a bandaid on the problem of us being tired and needing to relax. It might help temporarily with the symptoms of being tired, but it is counterintuitive because that consumption is putting more strain on our body and our mind.
So how can we solve the problem of feeling so drained and tired?
Yes, one option might be going to bed earlier. But a big one that most of us forget is to just relax.
Do nothing. Because that is doing something.
It is helping our body and mind recharge without any external stimuli, and ultimately that’s a much better, satisfying and sustainable way to recharge.
My dad often says a quote, and I had no idea where it came from, nor did I think much about it until recently.
“Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit.”
When I was writing this blog I researched who said it. And guess who it was? Winnie The Pooh!
The irony is not lost on me. We read Winnie The Pooh to our children, it’s written for children (or is it…?) 🤔
Our children (and childrens’ book authors apparently) truly are our greatest teachers.
So, for all the Mums out there, let’s listen to the wise words of Winnie the Pooh (and my dad) and “just sit” every once in a while!
Love Loren x
Blog Post 2: How To Overcome Perfectionism Paralysis At Work
I used to wear “I’m a perfectionist” around me like a badge of honour.
Surely, trying to be ‘perfect’ is what life is about.
That’s what I had thought anyway.
I wanted to be perfect in everything.
I remember saying in an interview when I was applying for a coveted position at a top-tier law firm that ‘I'm a perfectionist’. And whilst striving for excellence is certainly a good thing, and many of my clients have this in spades, there is a tipping point where our perfectionist tendencies no longer serve us, where we are too scared to ‘put something out there’ or try something new, because we are scared it won’t be perfect.
When I saw my 3-year old daughter following in my footsteps, a Little Miss Perfectionist in the making, did I know for sure that I had to make a change in my life - for me, and for my daughter Chloe.
So what is Perfectionism Paralysis?
A ‘perfectionist’ strives to attain ‘perfection’ in many (if not all) areas of their lives. And ‘paralysis’ means that this keeps you stuck.
I’m not sure if WebMD has it on their website, but I believe they should. Perfectionism is FOR SURE an illness (or at least an ailment) that affects many people. I don’t think I’ve met a mother who doesn’t identify as a perfectionist, in at least a few areas of their life.
Some symptoms include:
An overwhelming fear of making any mistakes
The need to ‘people please’
SO much self-doubt
Negative and critical thoughts about yourself and your abilities
A fear of ‘failing’
Consuming information rather than producing work and getting it out there
Procrastination
I’ll be focusing on many of the above in my future blogs.
However, for this blog, let’s go deeper into what ‘perfect’ actually means.
No two people have the same mind. We all think differently, and just like we all have different food preferences, ways of doing things, clothing styles etc, we all define what’s ‘perfect’ for something in different ways.
What I may consider as being ‘perfect’ in something will not be ‘perfect’ to someone else. And that’s a beautiful thing.
Once I realised that ‘perfect’ was just a construct in my own mind, I was set free.
Perfectionism doesn’t exist, so we keep ourselves stuck when we try to attain the illusive (and non-existent) ‘perfection’ we so desperately seek.
So how can we get out of Perfectionism Paralysis?
I’ll be sharing several strategies over the coming blogs, but one of the best strategies that I have found is shifting my mindset around time.
One of the most common sentences I hear is “I don’t have enough time”.
Most people see time as something external, like it is something that is happening to us rather than us being in control of what we are doing.
We ask ourselves “how much time will it take to do X”, as though it exists outside us. But time is what you decide it is. Something takes as long as you decide it will take.
When I started applying this to my work, I was able to get out of Perfectionism Paralysis.
I would look at a task, and instead of saying ‘I don't know how long this task will take me to complete’ or ‘How long will this take me to finish?’, I would say ‘How long will I GIVE to completing this task’.
This shift in my language was subtle but transformative.
No more second-guessing myself, no more overthinking, no more working on something for an hour to get it to my (self-assessed) 80% and then spending another 6 hours getting it to my self-perceived 98% (never quite ‘perfect’).
Instead, I could spend one hour on it and get it ‘out there’. Like this blog post.
That really is the only way you can know if something works or not. Is putting it out there. And for me, even if only one person benefits from reading this blog, if I've only helped one person, I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve by writing this. Making an impact, no matter how big or small.
And then, I have those 5 other hours that I can use to create more value and help more people!
Can you think of something that you’re stopping yourself from doing because you’re scared that it won’t be ‘perfect’?
What is it?
And how much time will YOU give to finishing it and getting it out there?
Let me know via email or on socials!
I’ll leave you with a quote from Reid Hoffman, the Founder of LinkedIn, “If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you have launched too late.”
Love Loren x
Blog Post 1: Why I Want To ‘Perfect’ Failing as a Perfectionist
Why I Want To ‘Perfect’ Failing as a Perfectionist
As my husband and I sat on the couch in the makeshift preschool teacher’s office that evening, I was practically jumping out of my seat with excitement to hear all the incredible things she would say about our daughter Chloe.
Chloe started talking at 7 months, could say over 150 words by her first birthday, and random people on the street would literally stop in disbelief when they heard her speak - articulately, and like a child in Year 2, not a 2 year old.
I couldn’t wait for her to be given an “A+” by her preschool teacher and bask in Chloe’s (and by extension, my own,) intelligence and amazingness.
“Chloe is exceptionally intelligent,” the teacher began. “She is social and loves to learn.” “But…”
“There’s a “but”?” I thought… How strange…
“Chloe is a perfectionist. If she thinks she can’t do something she won’t do it. She is afraid to make any mistakes. She is afraid to fail in anything so she is hesitant to try anything new.”
My husband just looked at me.
Yup, that’s me. She is definitely my child.
It was in that moment that I realised - many of my personality traits that I had previously seen as strengths, that propelled me in my life and my career up to that point were not so positive after all…
Getting top marks at school, studying law and public relations and receiving First Class Honours, securing a graduate role at a top-tier law firm, moving up the ranks at a charity to become CEO when I was 7 months pregnant…
What fueled my drive to achieve, achieve, achieve, was my perfectionism, my type-A personality, my need to please, being highly self-critical, putting unnecessary pressure on myself and having incredibly high standards of myself.
Under that perfectionism was a deep-seated fear of failure. Fear of making any mistakes.
My greatest strengths were also my greatest weaknesses.
It stopped me from doing so much. It kept me small. It stopped me from achieving what I really wanted to achieve, rather than what I “should” be achieving.
“How can I… I mean, how can Chloe overcome this?” I asked the teacher. “Are there any strategies we can use to help Chloe (and me!)”
“Show her that it’s OK to make mistakes,” the teacher calmly replied.
“It is?” I thought to myself…
Uh oh… I really had some work to do.
Everyone that knows us knows that Chloe is my clone. I see so much of myself in her - not only looks-wise, but even more so personality-wise. Chloe also copies everything I do, including repeating phrases I would say unconsciously in one moment, that she would then repeat in a similar context weeks later.
In that moment I realised, although we both share some personality traits that are wonderful - so loving, kind and affectionate - perfectionism and the fear of failure, although they may seem helpful and protective in the moment (ie. they might prevent us from making a mistake), they also stop us from trying new things, thereby holding us back from reaching our full potential.
I knew from that moment I had to make a change - and not change Chloe, but change myself.
If I could learn how to ‘tame’ my perfectionism, and make it work for me and not against me, then I could help Chloe and show her how to do the same.
So I started my own journey of personal and professional growth - reading as many books and listening to as many wise people as possible, to help me transform my own mindset and self-image around perfectionism.
In short, I want to fail at being a perfectionist. Starting as soon as I perfectly finish this blog post.
Joking…
Starting NOW!
My next blog post will talk about the curious illness that pretty much all women and mothers I know are riddled with. Perfectionism Paralysis.
The blog post will also go into some great tried-and-tested strategies to treat Perfectionism Paralysis to start making progress now, so stay tuned!